I have flipped through Facebook this month, and post after post, I have viewed tributes to loved ones that have “re-located.”  Some of the deaths have been recent while most have been anniversaries of many years past.  The story is the same for all… “We miss them!”

I am coming up on my one year anniversary of my dad’s passing from this life to the next.  I have been amazed at all of the tributes for the month of August.  I started really paying attention to them since it obviously hit home for me.  As I glanced at how many years different loved ones had been gone… 3 years, 7 years, 15 years, 23 years… they were still remembered and missed.  Reading these tributes really did not give me any hope that the ache that I feel would go away simply because time passed.

With this in mind, what do we do with our grief?

How do we carry on without them?

How much grieving is too much?  How much is too little?

“What wound did ever heal but by degrees?”
William Shakespeare,  Othello

1.  It is okay to grieve.  Allow yourself time to grieve.  Allow yourself time to heal.  Give yourself permissions to go through this process. The shortest verse in the Bible is John 11:35.  It simply says, “Jesus wept.”  Jesus wept because his very good friend Lazarus died.   Jesus had real emotions and He reacted over the grief that He had over loosing His friend.  Remember WWJD (What Would Jesus Do)?  He wept openly over the loss of his dear friend.  Jesus understands our grief.

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”      Matthew 5:4

2.  Enjoy remembering things about your loved one’s life that you can truly rejoice about.  If you are both children of God, you will see them again.  For me, this brings about a deep, comforting peace. It may not totally take the ache away when you are grieving and missing the loved one you have lost. On the flip side, if I absolutely knew that I would never see my loved one again for all of eternity, I know that grief would have to be much greater.

Take time in your grieving process to remember how your loved one’s life impacted not only you, but others as well. Think on things that they accomplished.   How is your life better because this person was intertwined in the tapestry of your life?  People touch our lives in ways that we don’t often realize until they are gone.  Take time to appreciate things that they did for you.

3.  Somehow, embrace the challenge of change.  Change is difficult. Change often means leaving behind what is familiar to you and stepping out into the vast unknown.  Loss always brings about changes.  Depending on the relationship, some of these challenges of change may be in how you live your daily life, how your extended family does holidays, or re-defining part of your identity.  These changes are difficult and take time. Take baby steps – one day at a time.

Abraham Lincoln said, “The best thing about the future is that it only comes one day at a time.”

We don’t have to have it all figured out today.  Rebuilding the elements of your life will take time and will require change.  But, change does not have to be all bad.  Change can open up new avenues that you have not gone down before.  Rebuilding your life is not abandoning your loved one.  It is not forgetting or dishonoring their memory.  Hellen Keller was a person who knew first hand about loss.  She lost her eyesight and her hearing as a baby.  I think she said it best.  “What we have once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes a part of us.”

As I was reminded this past Sunday, we show our family love by
“t-i-m-e,”spending time with them.   Work and schedules will always be present for us to worry about.  Time spent with family members and friends is an investment in both of our lives.  It is also an investment in our memories.   Togetherness activities with those who are special to you can actually be “memory making” events.  It is these memories that you will enjoy reliving in your mind when your loved one is gone or what they will remember when you are gone.  In my family, we work hard, but we play hard as well.

“Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.”
An Irish headstone.

Life is short.  Choose wisely how you will spend your time and with whom you will spend it.  Today’s world of hectic, frenzied, chaotic schedules that we put on ourselves often seems like “normal.”  We all get caught up in the whirlwind. But, this should not be normal. Take time for the truly important things in life that matter and will last.

Death changes us, the living.  In the presence of death, we become more aware of life… It can inspire us to decide what really matters in life – and then to seek it.”  Candy Lightner, founder of M.A.D.D.

Live your life with no regrets.  Regret is simply loss, disappointment and sorrow.  Three words that none of us would ever want to live with. We have in our power, most times, to alleviate regret before it settles in to become a part of our innermost being.  Take inventory of your life now.  Make a few changes.  Periodically look at the road your life is on.  Making small changes here and there will get you closer to where you want to be when your days are over, rather than never re-prioritizing important things in your life.

You’ve heard the saying, “Time heals all wounds.”  No, it does not. Time can help with some instances, but time is no “healer.”  God is the only true healer.  Only God can heal your brokenness.  Only God can comfort your heart.

Grief is like a journey one must take on a winding mountainside, often seeing the same scenery many times, a road which eventually leads to somewhere we’ve never been before.”  Gladys M. Hunt.

* Questions to ask ourselves and ponder:
What will others think about us when we are gone?  How have we impacted another one’s life for the better?  Are we someone who others would be proud to remember?